Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The Beginning of the Odd Year
I am not a good "brave face" person. If I am feeling it, it is there. I can put aside my feelings at work and be professional, and I thank God I can, and that I have the opportunity to. But if someone asks me, I don't try to pretend that I am ecstatic that my son is going to be gone to the middle east for a year, leaving his young wife and infant daughter. I think it would be dishonest to do so.
I went through a year where my son was in Iraq - during the worst year of that war. I lived through that. I did it with what I would consider "grace." The grace that comes from faith. I don't have the kind of faith that tells me that nothing bad will ever happen to me, but the grace to know that God will get me through anything that does come my way. My friends thought I did that well too, so I know I am not being delusional.
But I am not ready yet. I am not there yet.
Here's where I will get into politics - which I intended not to do on this blog. But during the 2008 election, I watched perfectly intelligent people seem to lose their minds when they jumped onto the Obama bandwagon. My only hope was that they were really much, much smarter than me and that I just failed to understand what the guy was saying - which seemed to me to make no sense at all. I hoped this. And I even hoped it into the last 2 years. But the last week has convinced me that I might have been right in believing the guy is a good looking, intelligent, articulate, well-connected guy with no real moral compass.
The middle east is blowing up and we have insinuated ourselves into the mess with no clear idea of why.
And this is no longer academic for me - if it ever was.
So, the beginning of the "odd year." The TV has to be shut off or turned to mindless things where hard news shan't bother my pretty little head. I am grateful for my lenten resolve to go to mass or adoration for the duration of lent. Those are the best hours of my day right now. I may have to continue that past Easter. I will make myself busy, busy, busy. I will find ways to serve others so that I am not thinking of myself 24/7.
I fear if I don't walk this very fine line I will lose my mind.
And the rosary every day. Oh, what consolation I find in that! I have many rosaries, but my favorite came from the Vatican - a gift from a friend. Red glass beads. I think I might buy myself a rosary with smooth wooden beads - smooth, without all the edges and facets of my beautiful red beads. Austere beads.
Any prayers are greatly appreciated.
p.s., This evening as I was driving to adoration from work, I stopped to give a man some money. It was after I drove up to the redlight and stopped that I realized he wasn't begging! He was just sitting by the road, not even at the light. He had no sign, no outward signs that he was begging, and yet, I just made the assumption, stopped the car, rolled down the window and shoved a bill at him. He took the money just the same....