I am so frightened.
This is something I have told ONLY my best friend. No one else.
But now I am going to post it on the internet. But I feel I need your prayers.
I met a man. (that could probably be the first sentence in every tragic story of my life.)
Three years ago I signed up for "CatholicMatch.com" and met no one. I didn't even desire to meet anyone on there. So, I stopped paying, but never found a way to remove my profile. So, every now and then someone will send me a message.
Two weeks ago, someone sent me a message. When I looked at his profile, I was interested enough to pay the monthly membership fee in order to open his message. We e-mailed back and forth for a bit. Last week we met for breakfast. We had a great time, nice, easy conversation and lots of laughter.
Tonight we are going on a bona fide date.
I haven't been on a date for three years. The last date I went on ended in a car accident.
I have spent the last three years really focusing on getting closer to Jesus and finding out what obedience means. I think I have a much clearer idea now... like I can't just do what I feel like doing and figure "God loves me and forgives me."
In Biblical School or at Mass sometime maybe not so recently, someone, maybe a priest, maybe a teacher (I just don't remember) said something that I DO remember. The question was "how do you know what you are called to be?" The answer was "what is it that your heart desires?" If you desire to be married, that is your calling. If you desire to be a priest or nun, that is your calling.
When I was young, I wanted more than anything to be a nun. But the minute alcohol hit my lips, that desire was gone. Alcohol and marriage made some kind of mix that I tried (repeatedly). I have now been nearly 27 years without a drink. It has now been 18 years since I have been married.
I think I know that I was at least at one time called to be married. I may have ruined all chances at that. But I have spent the last 18 years trying to clean up the wreckage. I am close to being "eligible" to be married in the church. I wouldn't have it any other way.
This man is Catholic, he does not drink, our conversations are easy and nice. And I am going on a date tonight. God help me.