Secret

I am so frightened.

This is something I have told ONLY my best friend.  No one else.

But now I am going to post it on the internet.  But I feel I need your prayers.

I met a man.  (that could probably be the first sentence in every tragic story of my life.)

Three years ago I signed up for "CatholicMatch.com" and met no one.  I didn't even desire to meet anyone on there.  So, I stopped paying, but never found a way to remove my profile.  So, every now and then someone will send me a message.

Two weeks ago, someone sent me a message.  When I looked at his profile, I was interested enough to pay the monthly membership fee in order to open his message.  We e-mailed back and forth for a bit.  Last week we met for breakfast.  We had a great time, nice, easy conversation and lots of laughter.

Tonight we are going on a bona fide date.

I haven't been on a date for three years.  The last date I went on ended in a car accident.

I have spent the last three years really focusing on getting closer to Jesus and finding out what obedience means.   I think I have a much clearer idea now... like I can't just do what I feel like doing and figure "God loves me and forgives me."

In Biblical School or at Mass sometime maybe not so recently, someone, maybe a priest, maybe a teacher (I just don't remember) said something that I DO remember.  The question was "how do you know what you are called to be?"  The answer was "what is it that your heart desires?"  If you desire to be married, that is your calling.  If you desire to be a priest or nun, that is your calling.

When I was young, I wanted more than anything to be a nun.  But the minute alcohol hit my lips, that desire was gone.  Alcohol and marriage made some kind of mix that I tried (repeatedly).  I have now been nearly 27 years without a drink.  It has now been 18 years since I have been married.

I think I know that I was at least at one time called to be married.  I may have ruined all chances at that.  But I have spent the last 18 years trying to clean up the wreckage.  I am close to being "eligible" to be married in the church.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

This man is Catholic, he does not drink, our conversations are easy and nice.  And I am going on a date tonight.  God help me.

Kindnesses

Yesterday when I came home from a long day of work, followed by a wonderful hour at Adoration, I had a wonderful surprise.  My neighbor had mowed my lawn.  Again.  She has been doing this for about a year now.  They are small lots and she claims that it is no trouble at all to mow my lawn while she is mowing hers.  Well, it is a kindness to me that is incalculable!

Last year when she started this, I tried to think of how to thank her, and started by baking her a few pies.  She loves my pies, but she doesn't really appreciate having the calories.  So, I started making her extras of whatever I was cooking - soups, stews, etc.  I realized later she didn't want those either.

Some things are not a "transaction."  This is not a transaction.  She doesn't provide me a service for which I pay her.  She is doing something for me out of the goodness of her heart.  My job is to say "Thank You."  I think my job is also to realize that the world is full of anonymous good people, doing anonymously good things for other good people.

On the other hand, at Sunday Mass this week, I seriously considered leaving my current parish.  My "other" neighbor, the deacon, gave the homily.  The general topic of which was living a Christian life.  As I heard him speak, I could only see all my beloved plants in the back yard killed at his hand.  I could not get past that.  I need to have a long chat with that man.  I am sure he has no idea how profoundly he has impacted me.  I am equally sure he has never given me a thought, which I find equally disturbing.  We are not supposed to be oblivious to those around us - are we?

I got a letter this week from a woman I "sponsor" in the Philippines.  It is a relatively small amount of money that is automatically withdrawn from my checking account each month.  But from her letter, I can tell that this amount of money each month, maybe equal to one dinner in a restaurant here, has changed her life.  She is thanking me for buying her a "Sunday" dress and new shoes.  For rice and milk.  For a health check up, and vitamins.  A plastic mat to sleep on and a comforter.   Her letters always make me cry.   Would I want her to try to repay me somehow?  That is just ludicrous!

Some things just aren't transactions.  They don't add up.  There's no score.  They just make this world feel like it isn't hopeless.

Last night was my graduation.  It was beyond all expectations.  It was a beautiful Mass, celebrated by 4 priests.  My pastor would have been there (because his parishoner was a graduate) but he had surgery yesterday.

We processed into the church, and the first people I saw were my friend and my daughter.  What a blessing to see their shining faces.  My "trouble" daughter was not able to attend as I suspected.  The mass was beautiful - that sounds silly, but maybe not.  It was beautiful.   As I listened to the young priest's homily, I wondered if I just liked it because I knew my daughter would - and she did - or if I liked it because I liked it.  It was probably a bit "funnier" than I like my homilies, but it was meaningful too.

The church was gorgeous!  It is one of the huge suburban mega-churches.  It has a cafe, a book store, etc., etc., and normally I don't think I would like that, but I just loved it.  The inside was just chockablock full of lovely stained glass.  Very dramatic.

The negatives are that I leave my classmates, my teachers, and the wonderful Denver Catholic Biblical School.  It was truly a life-changing experience for me.

My daughter and friend had absolutely NO idea it was the big deal it is.  They knew I was studying the Bible because I talk about it - a lot.  But they didn't realize it was a formal, four year program.  Now they do.  My name was in the catholic newspaper and my church's bulletin this week.  I got a letter from my pastor congratulating me.  I hope this doesn't sound prideful, but I am glad for the acknowledgment.  I know that hearing these things over the years is what planted the seed for me to have the desire to do this.  And now it is done.  I am grateful and sad.    But I know that God's grace will provide a way for me to continue to grow.

"I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by me."  John 14:6

The Underside of Being a Revert

(no reason for the photo here except I took it on Sunday while out on my run and I thought it was beautiful.  The rock formation in the distance to the left is the famous Red Rocks Amphitheater.)

Tonight is my graduation from Biblical School.  I am excited.  I am thrilled to be seeing my classmates again.  I already miss them!  I already miss the necessity of having my nose in my Bible for hours and hours this week.  I will have to replace this somehow.  Somehow.

Back to the graduation... And the title of the post.  I have invited my daughters.  Well, that sounds like a no-brainer.  But it isn't.  You see, I left the church for 25 years.  The precise 25 years that were the most important for a woman to be a Catholic.  The years when I was raising my children.  I made sure my children were baptized, and that was the end of their religious instruction.  In other words, they have had none.   Or virtually none.

When I came back to the church, I was 40, and my children were teenagers.  I dragged them to church, but not for long.

So now my daughters are coming to Mass tonight.  I am so excited about this.  And nervous.  And frightened.  One of my daughters (the recovering addict and alcoholic) is absolutely covered in tattoos and piercings. I told her she must wear long sleeves and something that comes up to her neck.  I fear that she will find an excuse instead for not coming.

One of my dear friends is coming to the graduation and has agreed to sit with my daughters and coach them on what to do.  I have known this woman for 17 years, and last night as I talked to her I realized she never knew that I ever left the church.  She had no idea that I had ever left the church and therefore didn't raise my kids in the faith.

My real prayer?  That tonight my daughters will see the church the way I see it, with love.  And won't see it the way they have seen it in the past.

This is certainly not too big of a miracle to ask for....

Really Listening

After four years of reading virtually nothing other than the Bible or books about the Bible, I am reading a wonderful book that is not about the Bible.  I was surprised at how much I like it.  It is set in Ethiopia.  It is called "Cutting for Stone" and I would highly recommend it.  One of my coworkers is from Ethiopia, so I decided to talk with him about the book today.  

He showed me a video of Addis Ababa on his computer.  The above church is in Addis Ababa, and he said "That was my church!"  He showed me around, just like you show a person around your home town.  Only it is half a world away, and we were only looking at a computer monitor.  But I could feel his homesickness, mixed with his pride.  I kept exclaiming - "how beautiful!"  and "oh, gorgeous!"  He said "Oh, yes, it is so beautiful."

And then, with my characteristic lack of tact, I said "why did you ever leave?"  I know him well enough to know that he came from a very wealthy family, and I could see how much he loves his homeland.  I know how difficult life has been for him here.  

He just looked at me like I had just asked him why he doesn't eat his computer manuals.  And said:

"I couldn't stand the communists."

Oh, yeah, there's that.  

I wish I took the time to really get to know the people I see every day.  I know my life would be richer for it.  And I know that God doesn't put us together so that we can give each other the cold shoulder. 

Holy Exhaustion!

I spent all day in a retreat today.  It was our last day of Biblical School.  We were sent out to find our calling.  Some of us know what that is, some of us (like me) don't.  It was a great day of very inspirational talks and a few videos.  I took some notes, mostly I scribbled madly into my Bible.  One of the quotes I heard and loved today:

"We are called to be 'fishers of men' not 'keepers of the aquarium.'"

After the retreat was over, I realized that it was Saturday afternoon, and I was at a Catholic Church.  Well, you all know what that means!  Confession!  So, I stood in line for a little while and then went to confession.  I took the above photo as I was waiting.  I love, love, love Catholic churches on Saturday afternoons.  The quiet, the dark, the sacred place where people come to acknowledge their sinfulness and ask for forgiveness.  

It struck me as I stood in line that two of the things that I found the most offensive about the teachings of the church as a disgruntled youth are two of the things I am most grateful for today:  confession and purgatory.    Without those, I would be doomed. 

Then I went to Mass.

I wish I had the energy to write about the retreat, but I am worn out.  It was a long Catholic day.  My head can hit the pillow tonight in deep satisfaction for a wonderful day.  Thanks to the Grace of God.  

Retreat

One of my super cute friends from Biblical School made this for our potluck on Monday.  It is a watermelon, cut into the shape of a whale - and note "Jonah" in the mouth of the whale!  She had to promise her son she would not lose this treasured action figure.  Another friend made baklava shaped into scrolls!  I don't know why I didn't take a photo of that.  They were delicious, just like Ezekiel:  "And he said to me, 'Son of man, eat this scroll that I give you and fill you stomach with it.' Then I ate it; and it was in my mouth as sweet as honey." Ezekiel 3:3

I made a plain old strawberry rhubarb pie, but it was one of the better pies I have ever made, if I must say so myself.  I made the crust before I left for work in the morning, and then came home from work a little early so I could make the rest.

Today we have a day long retreat as our last day of Biblical School.  Graduation is on Friday of next week.  I am excited about the retreat, especially since no one would tell us ANYTHING about it, other than it is from 8:30 to 3:15 and they will serve us lunch - oh, and Bring Your Bibles.   I just pray we don't have a comprehensive exam, because if I have to remember things I learned in the first year - now four years ago - I am afraid I might be in trouble.  And if I have to revisit Isaiah, the book that caused me the worst crisis in faith I have ever had, I will not be happy.

Speculating about what it might be is not a productive activity, so I think I shall hop into the bathtub and get ready for my day.

I hope you all have a beautiful day, and may God bless you.